In the midnight hour….

As the title implies I was awakened last night in the middle of the night.  The glow from the bathroom shone on the beloved man beside me and I nearly reached out to him but the coils of feeding catheter and drain tubes stretching out like anemic bowel stopped me.  The constant flow of milky nutrient balanced by the drain of foul slurry into the bag I wear makes me self-conscious.  So, I wrapped myself a little tighter in the blankets and let my thoughts roam.

As always, my musings turn to my shortcomings as a parent.  Sometimes I relive an entire day berating myself for things I could have done or could have done better.  On the one hand I honestly believe that parents who don’t second guess themselves once in awhile probably should but I’ll admit that I obsess more than I should.

In an attempt to cheer myself up and turn my thought from self-flagellation I start planning my egg incubating.  With any luck at all I will be up and about a week or so after this next surgery.  I’m hoping to fill an incubator with chicken eggs as soon as I’m able.  Hopefully the turkeys will have started laying by then and I can get a few ready to go in the other incubator.

Thoughts of baby chicks naturally lead to more springtime plans and I worry for awhile about the whereabouts of my missing garden seeds.  Of course I’m also worried because I’ve never waited so long to start my seedlings.  Will I be able to fuss over the little pots of dirt and seeds as I usually do?  Will I have a greenhouse full of splendid tomatoes?  And what about the other gardening?  I’d love to see the kids eat some good fresh salads, squash and melons.  Yeah, this train of thought doesn’t seem to be any more uplifting than any of the others.

Here’s a great topic!  I should consider my plans for finishing my training and riding on Dixie my horse.  Wouldn’t it be grand to walk sedately around the neighborhood, perhaps a little trot allowed on the way home….oh, how I long to fly at full gallop one more time.  But then the doubts come creeping in.  What if I can’t train her?  What if I think she’s pretty well trained and then I get hurt?  I forget that I was once strong and fearless with a horse because I’m now weak and already have so much pain.  Will I be strong again?

The pain in my side reminds me that I have another surgery coming up on Monday and then floodgates open for all the usual worries and fears about yet another hospitalization.

About this time I decide that my brain is not someplace I want to be so I make a brief journey to my happy place while I practice some meditative breathing and I sink into sleep.

I’m hoping that one of these days I’ll actually have farm stuff to talk about on Farmgirl musings.